It’s not how much you do, but how much love you put in the doing. – Mother Teresa
All human beings are born with the capacity to love and care for other people. It is part of a nurturing trait that is inherently born. While it comes naturally to most, it can present a challenge to a few. There is often a natural inclination to help someone you love when they are in need.
As a carer, you can be a caretaker, caregiver, or a little bit of both. The type of carer you are can significantly impact how you cope with your caring role. However, these two terms are used interchangeably to mean the same thing, but they have specific differences which we will reflect on in this article.
What is the difference between caregiving and caretaking?
Although “to give” and “to take” describe opposite actions, caregiver and caretaker both mean “a person who provides care and attention.”
In the dictionary explanations, caretaker usually is described as someone employed to look after goods, property, persons or animals. Caregiver refers to a family member, friend or a professional who provides care and support for a child or a dependent adult.
However, as the language specializes and gives other meanings depending on the context, we can notice a differentiation in these two terms when used to describe caring for another person in need.
Caregiving comes from love and forms the basis of healthy adult relationships. Yet there is another element that develops from caregiving, and that is caretaking. The latter causes co-dependency, and it is a far cry from extending love and care to another person.
Who is a caregiver?
When we think of professional caregivers, we usually think of those employed in hospices or nursing homes taking care of the chronically ill or the elderly. There are also family caregivers who take care of a disabled person, a mentally ill person, a child, or an older person within the home environment.
Family caregiving is a fulfilling experience that is full of rewards beyond the responsibilities one takes up. Becoming a caregiver is about looking after someone without expecting anything in return, be it payment or any form of compensation.
When you become a caregiver, you are there to help care for another person and not necessarily intrude in their personal lives and make decisions on their behalf. You are there to empower and encourage the person you are taking care of to make the right choices and be responsible for their actions. Caregiving involves setting boundaries and limits with the person being cared for as well as yourself. As a caregiver, taking care of self is a critical aspect of all parties’ well-being.
Other characteristics of a caregiver are:
- They value and appreciate help from others.
- Caregivers take into account their own needs, the persons being cared for, and the other family members involved.
- They respect people’s opinions.
- They appreciate the strengths and positive attributes in others and themselves.
- They understand that caring for another person consists of letting the person have their own choices and alternatives, not ultimatums.
- They wait to be asked for advice.
- They are enthusiastic about their role as a caregiver.
- They are empathetic and feel love towards the person they are caring for.
- They don’t take other person’s actions personally.
Read more detailed who is a caregiver and about what does a caregiver do.
Who is a caretaker?
As a caregiver, you can easily cross the boundary to caretaking, which leads to an unhappy and unhealthy relationship. The significant difference between a caregiver and caretaker is the establishment of well-defined boundaries. When they are missing, caretaking can lead to co-dependency, which is dysfunctional behaviour.
It is easy for the caretaker’s objectives to take precedence in a subtle way leading to unmet expectations, which can ruin an otherwise healthy relationship. In this case, caretaking may harm the carer and the other person instead of achieving the intended purpose.
A caretaker doesn’t take up their role out of empathy. Instead, they are driven by need and deprivation, creating an enabling environment. The person is not responsible for their actions; they don’t take responsibility for their behaviour and needs leaving them dependent on the caretaker. They are unable to live with self-confidence.
Unlike a caregiver who expects nothing while caring for another person, caretaking gives expectations or strings attached. Additionally, a caretaker feels superior and needed, leading to a certain level of control over the person being cared for, developing an imbalanced relationship. With time, such an environment breeds anger, and resentment, when the caretaker’s advice or recommendations are not followed.
Other elements that characterize a caretaker include:
- They feel exhausted, frustrated, and stressed as it is not a service given out of love or empathy.
- Caretakers don’t practice self-care.
- Caretakers think they know what’s best for others.
- They don’t take others’ opinions well. They are self-righteous about their views.
- Caretakers can overextend themselves, which leads to carer fatigue.
- A caretaker does not trust the other person’s ability to take care of themselves. They mostly discourage the other person from thinking for themselves.
- Caretakers are more likely to attract needy people.
- They start fixing whenever a problem arises.
- They feel unappreciated or resentful.
- Caretakers can be dramatic in the way they approach their problem-solving. They are more focused on the problem.
- They tend to use the judgemental “You” statements more.
On the other hand, we must not forget that each coin has two sides. Care recipients may also play a significant role here in building a harmful environment. They are not always the only victims. In a co-dependent relationship, the person being cared for can manipulate the carer to assume responsibility for solving their problems, making a burden on the carer heavier. In this way, each party contributes to the overall unhealthy relationship and makes it progressively worse while all suffer from the consequences.
Is it always a bad thing being a caretaker?
As a carer, sometimes you will need switching from being a caretaker to a caregiver according to the level of support required by the person you care for. It is important to give the person you care for the opportunity to make decisions and care for themselves as much as possible. Of course, in certain cases, such as caring for children, persons with Alzheimer, dementia or mental illness, you will need to take on more responsibilities, as your role requires.
How do you know you have crossed over from caregiving to caretaking?
Some experts tend to view caregiving and caretaking on a continuum, but they are mutually exclusive. A caregiver can easily cross the boundary if they become too invested in the person they are caring for. Caretaking is a behaviour that can be changed if the person realizes that they have crossed the line. So, what are the signs to look out for if you fear you have crossed from being a caregiver to a caretaker? Here are some questions that you should ask yourself to determine the change in your roles as a carer.
Do you find yourself getting angry or resentful towards the person you are caring for?
This is one of the surest ways to know if you are a caretaker instead of a caregiver. Anger and resentment may arise out of unmet expectations and an imbalanced relationship between the carer and the recipient.
Do you think that the recipient should appreciate your efforts?
Caretakers feel that the more they jump in to help someone else, they will be loved more or valued more. They expect that the person receiving the help or care should recognize and appreciate all the sacrifices they are making for them. Yet, hoping that someone will value you more or love you more because of what you do for them can sign that your sense of worth depends on what others think about you.
Do you respect the person you are taking care of?
A caretaker does not respect or acknowledge the ability of the care recipients to take care of themselves. It is easy to assume that you can see the needs of the person you are caring for better than they can, giving them the impression that they are not good enough.
Are you jumping to solve any problems the person you are caring for?
If you find that you are running to fix all the problems for the person you are caring for or protecting them from the consequences of specific actions, you have already crossed the line into caretaking. If you are not allowing the recipient to deal with the situation or consequences of their actions, they may never learn the lesson intended. Secondly, as a caretaker, you end up shouldering the burden of dealing with the problem leading to stress and fatigue. In the end, no one gains from the situation.
Tips to improve your life as a caregiver
As a caregiver, you may neglect yourself in terms of your time and emotions, which can get overwhelming. Sometimes it can take a toll on you, leading to stress, frustration, and, if left unchecked, resentment. You can do a few things to take care of your well-being so you can offer the best care to your loved one.
Take care of your own needs.
As a caregiver, you find that your time is taken up by the person you are taking care of. However, it is essential to take some time for self-care. This could include a morning walk, taking some time to meditate or read, or whatever that gets you to relax before starting your caregiving role.
Maintain your social life.
Caregiving takes up a lot of time, leaving you drained and unable to squeeze any other activity into your day. When taking care of a sick person or an older person, you may feel low-spirited at the end of the day. However, going out and getting away from that environment can help reduce stress and remove feelings of loneliness.
Breakaway from the norm and spend some quality time together.
If you take care of an ill person or an older person, there are repetitive mundane activities. Try and break from the norm by taking a walk in the park with them, watching a movie, engaging in a simple board game, or listening to their stories to spice up day-to-day activities. These moments will make a difference to you both and bring a more rewarding experience.
Find support.
Caregiving can be a very lonely job. Make sure you lean to others for support. It could be grabbing a coffee with a friend, joining a support group to talk about how you feel. Various forums could offer support physically or online. You can install a caregiving app on your phone to make life easier for caregivers and care recipients. Find an approach that works for you to share your feelings and vent out.
Bottom line
Caregiving is a rewarding and fulfilling experience that could grow you as a person. Caretaking, on the other hand, does more harm than good to both parties. Yet, this dysfunctional behaviour can change once you recognize that you are crossing over the other end of the continuum. You can find a way to balance it for more efficient and successful caregiving and benefit of all involved in the process.
